Goodbye Neighbor!

courtesy(smitten)/michelehowe.wordpress.com

courtesy(smitten)/michelehowe.wordpress.com

I only knew your name because I spoke with our neighbor. I rarely saw you around and very rarely spoke to you; though that seemed to go both ways. I can’t even really remember when you moved in – that’s how much in my own little world I was living in at that time. Terrible isn’t it?

 

There was the occasional “hi” and I could barely muster a smile or a hoarse “hi” response. I’m so shy when I’m not working. I saw your face and thought “he’s handsome,” probably contributing to the shyness. I never know what to say to a handsome face and always a fear of sounding stupid looms. I get so tongue tied so I don’t speak.

 

I’d see your truck and think – cool he’s home. I don’t really know why – I certainly didn’t know you all that well and never had the guts to just go talk to you. Oddly enough, there was a sort of comfort in having you live behind me. After a few months, I kept hoping we’d get to talking more but I never did anything to encourage it, at least not really. Fear won out…as usual.

 

I started to get to know you through our neighbor. I began to know your struggle and wished so much to help. I began to understand that we had at least a little bit in common and that could have helped with sparking a friendship. That only would have worked if I had spoken up, but I was always too afraid. I always talked myself out of it. I’ll never get that chance now. Only so many opportunities exist and I wasted them.

 

I want to say – I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out. I’m sorry I wasn’t a very good neighbor and didn’t help you feel more welcomed. I’m sorry you had your demons and that you couldn’t get past them. I wish I could have helped and am sorry we’ll never know if I could have. I’m sorry I wasn’t as kind as I should have been like I fully believe in being.

 

I want you to know – I promise to work harder at being and doing better. I will live up to my beliefs by being less afraid to open up to people. I won’t talk myself out of offering help because I’m shy or afraid of rejection. I will follow my heart and not let my head talk me out of kindness that is needed. I promise to keep all the positive things I hear about you in my head and heart; to honor you and your life by not passing by another opportunity for kindness.

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4 responses to “Goodbye Neighbor!

  1. This is so sad. Having been there too, maybe not the exact circumstances, I know how it feels to lose a neighbor who I should have spoken to more, cared about more and given to more. I’m so sorry. It is very difficult, but you are honoring him well with the lessons that you have learned.

    • Thank you so much! Yes it hurts and I managed to get through one of the hurdles tonight by talking with our neighbor who I know had such love for him. I knew once she knew, her heart would break and so I struggled with telling her but it turns out she saw his dad and the dad told her. Truth is – it was better for it to have come from a direct source. So it did ease some pain to be able to talk things out with her. This is going to hurt for a good while and I can only hope that my “plans” will work as I want, I follow through with them and that the “follow through” will ease the pain. It’s one thing to fail myself, it’s another to feel like I failed him. 😦 I hope he forgives me!

      • It is good that it came from a direct source. That helps to relieve you from some of the burden and probably gave her a bit more comfort having heard it from him. I understand how you feel – it hurts to think that we have failed someone. But, you never know what amazing ways it may benefit people here and in the future, when you apply that lesson to them. I’ve learned a lot from the man who lived across from me, the man who should still live there. It’s the hard lessons that are the most powerful.

      • Yes that is so true about the hard lessons. I just hope I can focus the thoughts on positive things – like finding ways to do those acts of kindness but also to not overwhelm myself by wanting to do too much too quickly; oh life and the constant battle for balance lol. 🙂 Thanks for your kind words! So appreciate it.

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