Saying Goodbye

Commentary made when Myspace was still viable. It was a tough week.

This past week was one of the roughest I’ve had to face in a long time. I’ve had two new experiences I could’ve lived without quite possibly for my entire lifetime. I suppose, however, both were inevitable at some point.
I sit here and reflect on what’s happened and am confused and hurt. so many questions, confusion, hurt and some anger.
I’m guessing I can only ramble on for so long before it’s necessary to explain what it is im talking about. I can only pray I can make the words work for me like I need them to do.
I’ve named this particular blog goodbye. It’s a compound word, seven letters and while I’ve always believed words to be powerful, hence having a job dealing with them, this one word carries more power than should be allowed.
A young woman I worked with, writing a series of articles about her progress through the ged program and to get her life in order, died in a dui related accident a little more than a week ago.
When I read the lead, the first line of the story monday morning, it had a profound effect on me. she wasn’t a friend, or a close family member but I knew her. I knew her goals and her twin babies she’s left behind.
In some ways I was proud of her. for hardly knowing her, I knew this one thing: she, unlike so many, was not only willing to see her life needed new direction, but was more than willing to take on the challenges to do so.
So many people may realize they’ve made mistakes and need to change but are too afraid to do it. She wasn’t afraid and if she was she never showed it.
She was happy to sacrifice to be a better parent to her beautiful babies. that’s over now.
I was unsure of attending the memorial services but decided in would need some of my own closure and went, not really knowing how it would go.
Part of me was angry and partially judgemental of who appeared to be her friends– judgemental is something I don’t do but I couldn’t help it. How could they let her make a fatal decision? I couldn’t grasp it.
I reminded myself I don’t know them and I don’t know what role they played and it wasn’t fair for me to feel that way. I suppose while I knew her only for a brief time and in a specific manner, it still hurt to see her young life come to an end the way it did.
I listened to all the testimonies of her family, friends and community members who knew her and I thought to myself…how does one say goodbye to a loved one?
How can someone truly let someone else go? This instance was one of a definite finality that is harsh and lacking any real closure.
There aren’t any second chances to say how you feel about that person, to say “I love you” to say I care, or whatever you feel the need to say. So how can you say goodbye knowing you’ll never see that individual again?
My heart went out to her family and friends. I don’t know what I would do or will do when something like that may happen to me.
This lead to other thoughts. Her family didn’t have a choice but say goodbye, but what happens when we can chose and yet still say goodbye?
Sadly, recently my heart has been broken. Someone I love has decided to say goodbye…at least for now at least he believes for now.
I care very much for this person but timing and distance have proven to be greater forces to reckon with than we could withstand. It hurts to find a special person and know it still can’t work no matter how hard you try.
So..how do you say goodbye willing to someone you love? I don’t know. I suppose right now im working to figure it out. It sucks because i haven’t had to really do that before.
Sure boys have screwed me over in the past and that always sucked. This situation is different…I care for him and vice versa but it just couldn’t work regardless.
How frustrating it is to have no control over the situation. I’m not a control freak by any means but it would be nice to have some control over matters of the heart and it’s impossible.
I guess I just have to accept the inevitable and say goodbye and willingly walk away. It hurts but thats all there is left to do and hope I mend soon.