“Thomas Wolfe once said you can’t go home again. Well, that’s great for old Tom. But he wasn’t a chick who made a pact with her friends when she was twelve to get together whenever any one of them needed each other. So here I am driving back to my childhood home in Indiana a place I can tell you I never wanted to see again. I guess a promise is a promise. Sure looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.” – “Samantha” (Demi Moore), in the film “Now and Then.”
I can’t say I made a promise to anyone and there was no coming of age bit for me like in the movie, though I truly loved that film. It’s the sort of female equivalent, I suppose you could say, to “Stand By Me,” which is absolutely fabulous film in its own right. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and watch…tonight (then watch “Now and Then”). But I digress.
No, my return to my beautiful Colorado was more about needing to get the hell out of where I was living. There are lots of people whom I left behind that I absolutely love and adore and miss horribly but that area was no longer serving me and my position with the newspaper and deteriorated so much…it was such a toxic space for me that it was time to get out of there. I hesitated to leave without much of a backup plan…no job set up, etc., but sometimes you need to make a sudden but motivated decision.
I turned in my two weeks notice and thought for sure the first Monday of not working I’d panic. Lo and behold…I did not. And so I knew it was the right decision. But it still meant having to wrap things up with my old place, determine when I would actually get out of Arizona and come back to Colorado. I knew without a job it meant coming back and staying with my mom and brother but honestly, I had no issue with that one. I’ve been on my own, not counting my lil’ Chalupa, for a lot of years so I felt like it would be nice to have roommates again. And thus far…it has been…though there are times I’m learning to realize that I don’t quite have my own space anymore ha! Always a learning curve and adjustments.
It is a bit of an adjustment of going from having an entire apartment to me and Chu and now my only “me” space is my bedroom…a limited space really. But really, I can’t complain. I have managed to find some new employment, though I won’t be in much of a position to discuss it in this forum and it’s not what I want to do long term but it pays the bills. I wish I could talk more about it because it is an adventure ha! But like with most things in my life, it will serve a purpose and I’m learning things. And losing weight. This job has me about 30 pounds lighter than when I first moved home, which was back in December. So there is that…which is good for me.
And while I will be facing new adventures back in my fabulous home state, old hurts and long time insecurities still hang with me…at least for now. Maybe I’ll find a way to finally squash those things and really learn to fully, completely love the skin I occupy. One can hope anyway.