Yes I know…the odds of dying on the way to buying a lotto ticket are much greater than actually winning the lotto but one can dream. I’m also aware the odds are greatly increased if you buy a ticket…which I usually don’t because I’m aware of previously stated statistic. Again, that doesn’t mean I can’t dream.
I’ve been going through a number of changes as of late. This year, 2014, has had it’s fair share of ups and downs. I’ve in the last several weeks in particular been trying to regain my footing and really think about just what it is I want from this life. This is particularly important as I just can’t keep myself from being consumed by fear that my life has passed me by. Whether or not that is true is debatable. It’s simply a feeling I have and can’t seem to get rid of, at least not yet.
I love my work. There’s so much to enjoy. I love the writing, the working with a wide range of people, learning new things, etc., etc. The part I love the most is…the people. I love to tell their stories. I so enjoy it when I do well (who wouldn’t) and I see the smiles on their faces or when I get to joke around with the high school kids about their silly photo in the paper, yadda yadda. It so makes things worthwhile, especially when you have busy weeks.
The trouble is…I’m not as happy as I could be, or perhaps even should be. This could be for many reasons. I guess feeling like I’ll most likely never marry or have kids (this is that nasty age complex again) then I need to do something that makes my life feel worthwhile. Yes I have family and friends and I feel loved but that doesn’t seem enough anymore. As I recently discussed with the “professional listener” as I shall call him, I guess I’m in search of something that feeds my soul, not just provides for my survival. Again, I love the work but it only takes me so far. So there’s been a desire to try and go back to the volunteering bit but out here, options are limited.
So how does this all tie in with the lotto dream? Well, it’s like this you see. I’ve already decided that if by the grace of God, I should win some large amount of money, such as the lotto, first, I’d be sure to pay off my debt. Second, I’d help my mom pay off debt and generally take care of my family. Third, I’d want to plan out how the money would be spent and hopefully invest carefully so I could be sure to be able to live off that sum permanently. I’d most likely still do some part time work in case for some reason I blew through the money and because I think I’d go nuts if I didn’t do some work.
What would I do with the rest? Honestly, I’d spend my time volunteering. Depending on the sum, I’d donate to various causes I believe in but mostly, I’d volunteer. I’d go coast to coast finding groups to work with for a few weeks at a time then move onto something else. I want to spend my time in children’s hospitals, veterans’ hospitals, helping domestic violence prevention programs and working with victims, animal shelters, environmental groups, etc. I want to spend my time contributing to the causes I believe in…I feel a strong need to live what I believe. I so believe in the power of volunteering that it would be worth it to me to spend all those dollars spending on other people in some fashion. I would be sure to take time for me, go all over the globe seeing the wonders of the world, meeting new people, taking lots of photos. I’d even be sure to buy awesome photography equipment, etc. But really, I’d spend it on people. Even when I did get around to globe trotting like I want, I wouldn’t go anywhere without making sure I spent some time volunteering.
I guess I just want my life to matter. I want it to have meaning. I want to be that change I wish to see in the world. Ghandi is quoted as saying: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” I want to do that. I’m happiest when I am of service to others, when I can put smiles on others’ faces. I don’t have a ton of talent like my cousins and their musical pursuits. I’m not even sure I’m all that good of writer or photographer, but I think I’m pretty good at being with people. I have a knack for helping. So yes. That is my dream. If I can’t do it by winning the lotto, then I’ll have to find a way to do something similar by some other means. I have to decide just what that looks like and I will. That’s where my journey now lies.