There’s been so much going on in my head lately that all motivation has gone out the window. Writing is simply not something I love to do at the moment. If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, I’m sure by now you’ve noticed my absence. It was never supposed to be for this long and I keep trying to get out of my funk, clearly without success.
I have been speaking with a counselor to try and help me untangle the mess that’s become my mind and emotions. I don’t know if it’s working yet. At the moment it simply feels like venting but not getting much back out…at least not yet. I’m hoping that somehow somewhere something happens and it actually starts to help. As I wrote that, I suddenly began to feel frustrated with the whole damn thing; frustrated with me and simply everything. Hell…frustration is simply my companion these days. I don’t think there’s anything that I’m not frustrated with at the moment.
I think one of the biggest frustrations is that feeling when you get when you know you’re changing or have changed and you don’t like HOW you’ve changed. I’ve always been a bit naive and super trusting. For a long time I was okay with that. As the years have gone by though and I’ve encountered more and more jerks who take advantage of me, lie or manipulate me or in some other fashion that make me question humanity, I become a little bit more angry. I become a little bit more jaded and I lose more faith in humans. These days I find myself being a bit more likely to be apprehensive; to being likely to see the worst in people instead of the best. I think I’ve hit a point where I even find myself gossiping a little bit; speaking poorly of others (mostly of those who’ve wronged in some way but still – it wasn’t something I used to do). Granted – part of that is because I think I’ve been letting my guard down at work in terms of keeping people at bay. I’m tired of being so isolated so I’m letting a few folks in and while in of itself, that’s harmless, there are some consequences I think that are taking place. Gossping, being angry, being suspicious, assuming the worst…that’s not who I am…at least it hasn’t been. What’s happening to me?
Then came along Rachel’s Challenge. I spoke of this previously. There were many things about that particular presentation that really spoke to me and it felt like a wonderful reminder of who I am and what I do believe in…or have for a long time. It did feel like God was sending a message so to speak and I have been doing my best to listen. I don’t want to be a jerk and I feel like I’m becoming one. Truth is, I’ve felt like that for a while now – longer than the most recent months. I felt like this a year or so ago as I let go of friends because I tired of certain treatment. I find I’m having a tough time finding that balance between not letting people treat me poorly but also NOT losing my values and beliefs. There has to be a middle ground right? There is that part of me that says “I don’t care” or “who cares” but the reality is, I do care. I care about people. I care about how I interact with them. I care about my own behavior and NOT wanting to be like the jerks of the world. I care about not becoming jaded or bitter. At my core, that’s not who I am and yet I feel like I’m very slowly falling down that rabbit hole and not sure how to get the hell out of it.
I don’t know how to not be a pushover but also not become a jaded, cold person. Too many broken hearts and always simply trying to recover without really dealing with that hurt I think is making me pay the price now…at least that’s what I’m guessing. I really don’t know. I hate not knowing. It’s bad enough to not feel comfortable in my own skin in the physical sense, but feeling discomfort with my personality, for lack of some better description, is downright scary. When you look in the mirror and you feel like you hardly recognize yourself, it’s a harsh reality.
There feels like there’s so much on my plate too. I have all of that but I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings with the loss of a friendship and the anger that goes along with it and then there’s also been the worry about family and possible health concerns. In the midst of all that I know I still feel like it’s time for serious change but again, I’m totally lacking motivation or energy to do the work required to make that change. I find myself totally exhausted but from what? I haven’t done anything. I feel like all I want to do is lie in bed and do nothing. I know wishing your life away is a terrible thing to do, especially when you have an age complex like me. I know that wanting to just sleep through life is also a terrible thing but that really feels like all I want to do these days. Sleep until it’s all over. As Green Day once said “Wake Me When September Ends” only it doesn’t specially have to be September.
I feel like I’ve lost my spark. Where did it go? How do I find again? How do I muster the energy to even hunt for it? I don’t know.