Where did it all go wrong? I’ve always known I’m a sensitive person but I began to learn to reel it in, to manage it. I’ve known for a long time I wear my heart on my sleeve but it hadn’t felt like the burden it is now. Hell, my entire character of who I am hadn’t felt like a burden until recently.
I have a sensitive heart; perhaps even a sensitive soul. For a long time, I always thought it was a good thing to be empathetic; you know – to be able to feel another’s pain and relate; to be able to put myself in someone else’s shoes and all that jazz. All it does is cause me heartache now.
A lie. It only took one lie to my face by someone I thought I could trust to help rattle my cage. Nevermind that the previous couple of months my confidence had already been shaken in other ways. That one lie hurt more than I thought it would have. To me it was the sum of many things – feeling disrespected, taken advantage of and feeling like there hadn’t really been a friendship at all. Perhaps that was my fault also.
The feeling of being out of place has been lingering for a while in terms of the ‘Net. Everything I read it seems to point out that people are fine with “trolling” and being complete jerks to complete strangers because well it’s “the net.” There’s no need to take it seriously. Perhaps it’s okay to not take The ‘Net so seriously but it’s a person on the other side of that screen. There’s a person reading those comments who has feelings. I don’t get this whole concept.
Even on Facebook, people want to simply post whatever they want whenever they want and while I get it – it’s “my wall, so it’s mine to do whatever I want with” but again, there is something to be said for the fact friends and family read that wall. The public reads those things. I guess what I’m attempting to say but failing at, is that there is still a level of responsibility that comes with the ‘Net. Well, maybe not. Maybe I’m just the one who’s much older than 32 and am really some tired, old grumpy maid who doesn’t know how to be “hip.” Maybe those days of being considerate of others are truly gone or maybe they never even existed.
My dad once told me, as a joke, that he thought the aliens took the real me away and left this version instead. This stemmed from after those two or three “stormy” years and temper tantrums and suddenly, almost overnight, reforming into what I am today. The tantrums were gone; the bad attitude and difficult behavior vanished…instead replaced by a quiet kid who listened and behaved. I’m starting to think perhaps dad was right. I must be an alien because I simply don’t belong here.
I’m too trusting. I have far too high of expectations of other humans and how they treat me. I was raised to believe – treat others as you would want to be treated and I do. What is it I get back? Fortunately with most of my friends, a lot of the same treatment back but my luck ran out recently. With guys and dating – I get lied to, manipulated, used, trampled on, tossed aside. It’s hard to keep coming up with reasons for being a decent human being.
I clearly expect way too much on the ‘Net also. I know that there are trolls out there and I know better than to take the bait but that’s what I did today. I took the bait. A couple of jackasses make remarks that had nothing to do with my post about my favorite soccer team, the Colorado Rapids, and I took offense (I tend to when they’re going to equate me to Al Qaeda). I choose to defend myself and I get back lectures and stupid comments about how I’m not supposed to take the ‘Net too seriously and to enjoy my stay. Awesome. I can’t help but feel like that’s a bunch of bullshit. Pardon my language but that’s how I feel. It’s a forum where appropriate conversation is supposed to take place and the comments these two jackasses made were the exact opposite, but I’m the asshole right? I don’t know…maybe I am. I’m an asshole for thinking that people might think like me or behave like me. I know that sounds like ego but that’s not it. There’s just a part of me that thinks people will be decent and they frequently remind me how wrong I really am.
I’m a bit naive. I trust too much too quickly. I put my heart out there and often it comes back bruised and battered. I don’t know what I expect. I see so much negativity in the world that it shouldn’t be so surprising but it is – that’s incredibly silly isn’t it? To be surprised when I get hurt or let down? There’s no good reason for me to be surprised at my getting hurt in some fashion when clearly this world is run by assholes. It’s a rat race and I’m losing. I don’t fit. I don’t belong. I just feel stupid.
It really feels like it doesn’t pay to be a decent or even a good person. Where has it really gotten me? I’m still alone. I feel horribly unsuccessful in many ways.
But then I try and remember that there are others. When there is good that happens it’s because of people who weren’t willing to sacrifice their naiveté. They weren’t willing to give up hope that life can be better; people far more important than myself who did a lot more than I’ll ever accomplish. Maybe I haven’t quite found my niche yet but even at the ripe old age of 32, it’s not too late right? Maybe it is for marriage and kids but not for bettering the world? Who knows.