Just Plain Stupid

courtesy/www.iconarchive.com

courtesy/www.iconarchive.com

I’m a fool. Plain and simple. Actually…let’s just face it. I’m stupid. I’m stupid for having agreed for having gone on a date with this guy. I’m stupid for having allowed myself to start liking him. I’m really stupid for thinking someone would understand that liking someone does mean that there’s a level of feelings involved. I’m stupid for not letting go. I’m stupid for believing. I’m stupid for being too nice. I’m stupid for trying to do the unselfish thing because it always bites me in the ass. I’m stupid for pretty much everything.

I don’t know if my being stupid means that it’s my fault. That may be an entirely different conversation. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it’s not. I just know that this hurts. I haven’t hurt this badly in a long time. Some of it is because I did like this guy; some of it is because a friend couldn’t recognize certain ethical questions; some of it is because same friend lied…to my face. Somehow the “to my face” makes it that much worse. It hurts to feel like you have to question everything now because…how do you know what is truth and what is false? It hurts to replay the entire situation in my head and realize certain truths that were lying just beneath the surface that I foolishly missed. Stupid. It’s all so stupid. I’m so stupid.

I’m tired. My body aches. My heart aches. I need to cry; I want to cry but I can’t. Not because I cried too much last night because even then I didn’t cry enough. I’m going numb. Am I getting so used to this type of thing I really can’t feel it as much now? Lord I hope not. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s better to be numb. What do you think? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so ridiculously lost right now. How? Why? Did I do something to deserve this? Why do guys hate me so much? Maybe they don’t and that’s just how I feel about it. How does this happen? The lies, the lack of honesty, even from a trusted friend. What is it I do that makes guys decide so quickly I’m not worth it? Am I really not worth it? I don’t know. I’m just a fool. How can I possible answer all these questions and more when I’m clearly too stupid to answer them.

I keep telling myself all I have to do is get through today. Early in the morning I’ll head out. I’m leaving for the coast. I need a “me” day. I need a day of emotional rest. Please Lord, help me find my way again. I can’t keep doing this. I’m slowly destroying myself; my being too nice is slowly destroying me. Who knew?

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8 responses to “Just Plain Stupid

  1. Man, I’ve been out of town so much in the last week I just got caught up on reading your posts Jen…GEEZ too sad 😦 I feel bad for you……I know there’s nothing I can do, but for what its worth just know that I’m thinking about you πŸ™‚ ….and if you need me to come back and tell you how wonderful Britney Spears is in order to cheer you up, just let me know πŸ˜‰

    • lol while normally that may upset me, I appreciate and welcome the sentiment πŸ™‚ thank you! I’ll figure it out. It just sucks knowing that someone you called “friend” really isn’t. I think me and this chick will remain pals, but not really friends. I can’t be friends with someone who is as unrelentlessly selfish as she is – just can’t do it. So I dunno…we shall see how it all goes down. Hope you’re having a good day πŸ™‚

  2. I am sorry to hear that you are hurting:( I am sending you good, positive vibes – here if you need to talk (of course off line through e-mail). Toxic is so not what you need in your life right now and with that comes fakeness, lies, hurt and betrayal. Remember to take care of YOU and take time for YOU – YOU DESERVE IT! Take Care Sweetie:)

    • It’s not your fault but thank you so much for the support! I did shoot you an email – hope you don’t mind. Yeah – I’m backing way off. I can’t bring myself to not be her friend but still..I have to protect myself now. Just how it has to be. I’ll survive this…just like everything else lol. πŸ™‚ Thank you so much for the positive vibes! It’s greatly appreciated.

  3. Hi Stormy, my heart goes out to you. I too have been where you are. I know the weight resting on my heart. The questioning over and over again. Think of all the reasons to love yourself, everything else will fall into place. We never know what is in the minds of others, we can only know our own truth. (((big hugs))) ~ Dennis

    • That’s so very true! I’m not sure I really looked at it like that but I will from now on – thank you! It’s hard knowing that a friendship will be changed because of everything but if it had really been a good one, this never would have happened anyway so it’s all good. It’ll be a lil’ awkward and a bit of a bummer for a bit but I’ll figure it out. Thanks for the support! πŸ™‚

  4. Took me a long time before I could respond to this. I usually read you like you are a writer and you make me proud and laugh and think and so much more. This one just made me cry. I read it like a dad. So many words you use on yourself that fit you so badly. I have so many others for you. I am pleased that there are responses from others here who “get you.” The risks of being real, and feeling real things, don’t go away unless you deny yourself the possible. Just not worth it, or in genre Stormy gets, “…you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool (read Safe) by making his (her) world a little colder.”
    Dad

    • Thanks Dad! I have definitely been in a long time rut but I think I’m pulling out finally. I need to find the energy somewhere to do so but I think I’m getting there. πŸ™‚

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