I’m a fool. Plain and simple. Actually…let’s just face it. I’m stupid. I’m stupid for having agreed for having gone on a date with this guy. I’m stupid for having allowed myself to start liking him. I’m really stupid for thinking someone would understand that liking someone does mean that there’s a level of feelings involved. I’m stupid for not letting go. I’m stupid for believing. I’m stupid for being too nice. I’m stupid for trying to do the unselfish thing because it always bites me in the ass. I’m stupid for pretty much everything.
I don’t know if my being stupid means that it’s my fault. That may be an entirely different conversation. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it’s not. I just know that this hurts. I haven’t hurt this badly in a long time. Some of it is because I did like this guy; some of it is because a friend couldn’t recognize certain ethical questions; some of it is because same friend lied…to my face. Somehow the “to my face” makes it that much worse. It hurts to feel like you have to question everything now because…how do you know what is truth and what is false? It hurts to replay the entire situation in my head and realize certain truths that were lying just beneath the surface that I foolishly missed. Stupid. It’s all so stupid. I’m so stupid.
I’m tired. My body aches. My heart aches. I need to cry; I want to cry but I can’t. Not because I cried too much last night because even then I didn’t cry enough. I’m going numb. Am I getting so used to this type of thing I really can’t feel it as much now? Lord I hope not. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s better to be numb. What do you think? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so ridiculously lost right now. How? Why? Did I do something to deserve this? Why do guys hate me so much? Maybe they don’t and that’s just how I feel about it. How does this happen? The lies, the lack of honesty, even from a trusted friend. What is it I do that makes guys decide so quickly I’m not worth it? Am I really not worth it? I don’t know. I’m just a fool. How can I possible answer all these questions and more when I’m clearly too stupid to answer them.
I keep telling myself all I have to do is get through today. Early in the morning I’ll head out. I’m leaving for the coast. I need a “me” day. I need a day of emotional rest. Please Lord, help me find my way again. I can’t keep doing this. I’m slowly destroying myself; my being too nice is slowly destroying me. Who knew?