Again, I haven’t been quite as consistent with posting as I needed to be this month but there have been other issues at hand, which I have posted about. As I was chatting with a friend tonight a topic I’ve thought about chatting about came up again and so now I’ll definitely talk about it some.
Life has taken a funny turn lately and while I’ve known for a while there were issues to contend with, I hadn’t realized it was to the point there was a term for it – co-dependency. There are certain aspects of my life that are slowly coming to light in ways I hadn’t noticed before. Let’s take my being here in Needles, Calif., as an exampled. I accepted a job that would move me about 1,000 miles from my family and friends and never really thought about the possible fallout if it didn’t work out – it never crossed my mind. It was a risk, I knew that to a point, but never fully realized how much of a risk it really would be for me. It was a mad moment.
Back in high school, when I was playing soccer for competitive league teams, I was pretty good, but something always held me back. I was always a bit afraid of the physical side of the sport – the running into other players or possibly getting hurt. I almost never just let myself play without worry – which is something that’s been with me for as long as I can remember. Fear.
The funny thing is, every so often, I’d lose that fear. I don’t know what happened or where it went, but it would go away. I’d cut loose and play the game better than any other moment. There was a fire lit, a drive that pushed me past the fear. I loved those moments but I never did figure out how to make them happen more often and on command. I’d call them “mad moments.” It was a moment of madness on my part, a moment where I didn’t hesitate or second guess myself – confidence took control. I remember my dad asking me about one of those moments one day after a game. I had cut loose and really made a great few plays – a side of me most hadn’t seen. That’s when I told him it was a mad moment. We agreed there should be more of them.
As life has continued, every so often, I’d have those mad moments. They would continue in soccer for years. I was always my best in those moments. I was a pretty good soccer player; I could have been better if I’d allowed it, but fear was always there to ensure I couldn’t quite get to that next level. I never could figure out why or how to control it. At that time, I always thought I could get away with it and for a while I did. It would eventually be my undoing, so to speak. I’d get cut from my competitive team, felt too badly about myself and was lacking any real self-worth to pick it up and go to another team. I eventually let that fear dominate my final year of soccer in high school and finally the sport all together. It was tragic.
I’d have other mad moments though. I had one when I decided to move from the tech support section of the call center when I was working for Dish Network. I had a moment where I felt confident in myself that I could face the challenge of being in winback – the group of folks who tried to keep customers from disconnecting. It was good for me but it was one of the toughest jobs I ever had and I’d never do it again…ever…for any reason. It was a mad moment because normally, I’d back down from that; I would have waited until the whole call center moved to winback. I didn’t do that though and that was good for me.
Another mad moment came when I finally decided to really look for a job in the field I wanted to work in – journalism. I finally actively pursued that career and I landed my first job. It would turn into my first job in this career and I enjoyed it. It also was a big move for me at the time. I firmly believe it really was a way of preparing me for this job. As fate would have it, I liked that job for a while but the politics and other issues would overshadow it and things didn’t end up so well for me, but again, I believe everything happens for a reason.
So that brought me to this job. As things are unfolding and realizing how much I’ve struggled with self-worth, particularly right before getting this job, looking back it was amazing that I accepted coming to Needles without any qualms at all. I never for two seconds considered any potential drawbacks if it didn’t work out for me. I wasn’t even scared, truth be told. To me, that’s a miracle. I’ve had so much fear about things in my life that looking back and knowing that really, the only thing I would have done is accept and move here, is almost shocking; almost totally out of character for me. I’m so lucky for those mad moments.
I’m lucky that those moments, even if not consistent YET, they do happen. When they happen, they have helped me on this journey called life. The task now is to learn to harness these moments, make them mine so I can decide when they happen and with what frequency. It’s all very confidence boosting to think back on those moments. It makes me realize…yes I CAN do that; I CAN make that move or those sacrifices and I DON’T have to be afraid to make those choices. It’s so empowering. It’s my goal now to let those good feelings wash over me, chase away the negative and get to healing and just being a better me. It’ll happen. I know it.