It’s so peculiar to me that learning to love oneself has to be one of the hardest things to do. There are some folks who are so lucky to always feel confident in themselves and never have any self-doubt, but for the rest of us, it’s a journey. It takes effort. It’s a difficult journey and actually requires time, effort and a lot of energy. It simply doesn’t seem like it should be that way but it is…go figure.
I’ve been a bit quieter for the last few days following my last post. The letter to myself is as open as I’ve possibly ever been to such a public audience about my own insecurities. In retrospect, I may have still held back a little bit, not intentionally, but self-presevation is another difficult self-defense mechanism to get past. Hitting the publish button was one of the hardest things I’ve done thus far. It’s one thing to say those things to a close friend on the phone or in person, it’s another to let that all out in front of a bunch of people you don’t know so well. Granted, my blog is not seen that much and I don’t even have 200 followers (yet anyway) but that’s still a much larger group to tell those things too than I ever have.
I did it for a couple of reasons. There’s the obvious – I was feeling down about getting ditched, yet again. It’s hard to always get blown off like that and not feel like a schmuck but truth is…I’m not the schmuck. He is and it’s his loss. I’m not perfect. My hair is crazy thick and curly. I’m really short and I’m more round in the middle than I’d like to be at the moment but I know I have a good heart and plenty to offer. It’s just hard to put that thinking at the forefront of my mind after repeatedly being rejected. It’s tough.
I think, though, I really did it because I need to have something out there to keep myself honest. It’s really easy to fall back into the mode of self-loathing any time something like this happens. I don’t really want to waste any more time, energy and certainly not tears, over someone who’s not even considering my feelings at all. It’s unfair to me, myself and I. All three of us deserve better. I’m on a quest now.
It occurred to me at one point, and this is in that letter, that I don’t have to feel like that. Yes, those feelings may emerge after an “incident,” but that doesn’t mean those feelings have to linger. There’s a way to combat that crap. It’s the power of choice. I can choose to do better than that. I can choose to empower myself and shift that negative voice to remember all the good that lives in my mind, heart and soul. There is plenty of good. I have such good family who reminds me of this. I have many good friends who are there for me and hey, I know they aren’t getting checks in the mail for that. I’m too broke. They must be hanging around for some other reason. I don’t bake enough and I don’t send any other gifts so that must leave me with the fact that they hang around for me. They don’t judge me. They don’t think any less of me for my crazy hair, sometimes immature ways, my roundness (that I intend to shed), or any other characteristic that I’ve allowed myself to think made me less of a person. It clearly doesn’t exist.
This year it is my focus to make better choices. One of those choices is to learn to love myself – as I am. Nothing more, nothing less. Choosing to love myself is multi-faceted. If I really love myself, I won’t feel badly about my weight. I will learn to like me as I am right now. I burden myself by feeling trapped in my own body. There’s no need for that. Now, making that choice doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t start making better choices related to my health. Yes, I need to love me as I am, but part of love myself means taking care of myself too. This does mean taking better of my skin, my hair and losing excess weight – not because I need to be some skinny b*tch (not that I ever could be – my body doesn’t work that way) but because it’s about making sure I don’t put myself at certain health risks. As a short, hispanic woman, I’m innately prone to certain health issues I really would rather not have to deal with, particularly as I age. I want to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want to get older, have illnesses or other ailments that will make life difficult when my body can’t handle it. That’s no way to live.
I am choosing to love myself so I can live free. I don’t want to be burdened or hindered anymore by my self-inflicted negativity. I want to break those chains and let myself be productive in more ways than one. It is possible. I just have to let myself believe…in me. Everyone else seems to…why shouldn’t I?
On a final note – this song focuses on “More Love” for couples but it’s also for the world. I see it as also meaning…for individuals. I need to allow “more love” to be in my life and that’s what I’m working to do. This is the Dixie Chicks covering Tim O’Brien and Darrell Scott. Enjoy!