credit: J.Denevan (me)
Dear Me,
I heard you crying again last night. I could hear your heart breaking again. I know you keep asking yourself the same question over and over in hopes of finding the answer…how could he lose interest so quickly…just like the last guy? I know you want to blame yourself; I know you want to shoulder all the responsibility. I know you tend to ignore me when it comes to these things.
It hurts to watch you do this to yourself over and over again especially because it doesn’t have to happen. You always listen to the Negative Nelly inhabiting that corner of your mind. She’s always telling you that you’re too old; that you’ve screwed up your life irreparably. Somehow it’s her voice you hear when she tells you you’re unattractive and don’t have much to offer someone. Her voice only gets stronger and louder after there’s been guy who seemed interested but then pulls a ghosting act. It’s virtually a free pass for her to knock you down, beat you up emotionally. And you allow it. You buy her poison.
It’s understandable to ask questions, to feel abandoned when a guy you like stops talking to you and it feels like it’s for no reason. It’s understandable to feel like you must have done something wrong, but the truth is…you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your responsibility. You don’t have to feel like that.
Most days you don’t feel like that because you know better. You know better because on those days, you’re listening to your true self, you’re listening to me. I’m here to offer you a choice. You’re at a point in your life that you realize, without my telling you, that it’s up to you about how you feel about yourself. You have control over that negative voice that wants to tell you that you’re fat, unattractive, worthless. You don’t have to listen to her screeching and cackling about how you’ve wasted time, no one could love you because you’re unlovable. You can have selective hearing and “accidentally” tune her out when she says that you’re too old for settling down and that life’s passed you by. You can choose to succumb to that, or you can choose to listen to me.
I come bearing gifts. I want to remind you of all that you do have to offer to this world, to your friends and family. I want you to remember that you are priceless, not worthless. How you feel about yourself stems from how you talk to yourself. Yes, that little negative voice may show her ugly face from time to time, especially when there’s been a hardship, but that doesn’t have to be the strongest voice you hear. The strongest voice should be me, but you have to choose that. You have to actively commit to that choice and effectuate that choice. It will require action on your part. Being passive allows that negative voice to rule and I think it’s fair to say… you don’t really want that anymore.
I bring you songs to help heal you. Music is a powerful tool for you so I thought one of the best ways to get through to you and past her, was to use songs. I bring a set of three to help you get started.
First – Katy Perry’s “Firework.” This song speaks to the core of your fret and worry. Despite the self-doubt, inside is a firework. You just have to have enough faith to let yourself be happy.
Second – Anna Nalick – “In the Rough.” Love will find you someday. You just have to keep the faith. The one who’s worthwhile will understand your value and not let you go.
Third – Katy Perry – “Unconditionally.” This is a dual action song for you. You have to learn to love yourself unconditionally first. The rest will take care of itself. Others love you unconditionally, why don’t you do that for yourself?
I would include Katy Perry’s “Roar,” but there’s plenty of her in this special select-a-set just for you. I do think you should also always remember Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten.” There are still plenty of blank pages waiting for you to fill them. Don’t waste your energy on negativity when there’s so much positive to be had. Don’t lose yourself in the tidal wave of self-doubt and criticism.
stormy musings 
What’s annoying about this post is that when I saw the title I had this wonderfully silly comment to write…but once I read the post I realized what you wrote was far too serious for a stupid, silly, snide, comment from Kenneth……..(and it involved making fun of boys 2 men too!)
At any rate….very well written Jen 🙂
LOL you’re a brat. I’m almost interested in reading what you had to say anyway, but I’m sure it’ll be one of those curiosity killed the cat dealios. Thanks much! It took a while to get it done and kind of wasn’t sure if I would publish it or not but chose to do so. 🙂
oh JP – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree – I have not had any success in any of my relationships with me – sorry – I feel largefully responsible – sorry JP
Mom – you are not responsible. It has nothing to do with you. Perhaps we have the same luck but that’s not your fault, son don’t feel bad and certainly don’t take on responsibility that isn’t yours. Don’t worry about it. It’ll be okay. Love you mom!
Remember to love yourself first and foremost. I took this advice 14 years ago and met my adventure partner in life:) Wishing You the Best!
Thank you! Yes that’s exactly what my journey entails now. I don’t hate myself but I don’t love myself either. I’m such an oddball inbetweener lol. Story of my life. I’m definitely at a crossroads right now and there will be hard choices and ones I really MUST follow through on but that right there is the most important in order to do all the rest. It’ll be tough but I think worthwhile. As always – thanks for the boost of positivity! 🙂
Happy to Share the Positive Vibe:) The process is on going. However, within the first couple of weeks to the first couple of months I started feeling so much better about myself. Remember baby steps and not giant leaps!
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Reblogged this on stormy musings and commented:
Reposting this because…yet again needing to remind myself to not fall into the negative nelly bit. More hardships have presented themselves but I’ll get through it. I just have to believe.
Hi Stormy, I’ve actually been in the thought process of writing a similiar letter to myself. Thank you, because reading someone else’s letter feels more healing than writing one.
You’ve also given me an excellent idea. You see, I’ll be quitting my Monkey King blog once I kill the character off (I haven’t been so regular on it), but you’ve reminded me the power of writing honest letters online. I’ll be creating a new blog soon, and it was inspired by reading this =) thank you
I can’t lie – I’m sorry to hear that you’ll be killing the character off because I’ve loved your blog so much, but I understand. Please be sure to let me know the new one because I’ll want to follow for sure. I’m feeling even more shitty than I did when I first wrote this letter so it’s good to know that it’s had some positive impact somewhere. Your very kind words are so good to hear right this moment. Thank you!
So inspired that I created a blog and released a post last night. http://beyondorder.wordpress.com/