I recently started following this blog, The Better Man Project, and tonight I was reading his latest post and it got me to thinking. I’ve known for a while now that I’m a little too stuck in the past or too focused on the future. It’s hard to tell which is which anymore but the bottom line is, I don’t seem to be in the present. Hell, even today was totally wasted because I spent the whole time not being able to decide what it is I want to do. Too worried about having wasted time so may as well give up or too worried about wasting more time which added pressure and so then I never did anything. Ridiculous.
I could feel my “clock” ticking when I was 25. I had already been out of college for a few years and I wasn’t doing what I said I would do – use my degree in journalism. I managed to fix that by getting an entry level job at 26 and have been reporting ever since. That’s all fine and dandy but it’s still not quite where I want to be.
I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but in the back of my head I keep seeing “Almost Famous,” you know that movie about that 15 year old kid who gets to write for “Rolling Stone” magazine and follow an up and coming band? Yeah. That’s what I want. Music and writing is such a perfect combination for me, I think and for a magazine would just be ideal. The problem is that type of work is hard to get into and I’m older now. I’d be up against fresh faced “kids” straight out of college. Sure experience helps but not always, especially when those kids are coming out of college with various Internet skills that still weren’t quite a must when I was in school. I’m behind the eight ball and I feel I’m too old to be behind the eight ball. If I really wanted to move forward I needed to do that years ago, or so it feels like.
This is all contributes to that age complex I’ve spoken of before. I’m too old to be young but I’m too young to be old. I feel like I’m in no man’s land and that’s not a good place to be. This, of course, all ties also into the fact I’m single without kids, while the vast majority of my friends are married and/or having kids, multiple kids. That clock has been ticking loudly since 25 also. I just feel like I’m at do or die time – family or career. I’m too old now to have both, at least in my head I am. That is where it feels like my life is written for me; like I have some control but not nearly enough. I’m not a control freak but I would like to be able to be the driver of my own life.
That’s where this gentleman’s post comes in – I still AM the driver of my own life. I do still make those decisions. That’s the hard part, however. As I already described, I couldn’t even make certain little short-term decisions today, how in the hell am I going to decide what to do with my life? Being indecisive wasn’t something that bothered me for a long time because I thought I managed to make important decisions when I’ve absolutely needed to and have done pretty well. This is true to a point, but I haven’t made the real hard decisions and then stuck with them. I’m motivated but to a point. I’ve been a comfort zone kind of gal and it’s not done me any favors.
But all of that is in the past, or it needs to be. I have to try and refocus my energy and thought process to be “how do I want my life to look like now?” If that’s what I want, how do I go about it? I’ve taken a few of these steps before but have abandoned them but it’s time to get back to it. I’ll be 32 in August but my life isn’t over. Perhaps marriage and kids aren’t in the cards, but that doesn’t mean life can’t be fulfilling. It’s hard to change the just letting life happen to you to taking charge and making life happen. I’ll have to shift from third to fifth gear. That won’t be easy, but if I don’t, life will keep passing me by in the fast lane while I’m sputtering along in the slow lane.
My entire life isn’t written yet… so I need to quit acting like it is and enjoy today. It is a gift you know… that’s why they call it the present.
And on that note… I leave you with Natasha Beddingfield’s “Unwritten” a great tune for sure.
“Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” – Natasha Beddingfield.