My life is unwritten, so why do I feel like it is?

credit: me :) needed something to go with this post

credit: me 🙂 needed something to go with this post

I recently started following this blog, The Better Man Project, and tonight I was reading his latest post and it got me to thinking. I’ve known for a while now that I’m a little too stuck in the past or too focused on the future. It’s hard to tell which is which anymore but the bottom line is, I don’t seem to be in the present. Hell, even today was totally wasted because I spent the whole time not being able to decide what it is I want to do. Too worried about having wasted time so may as well give up or too worried about wasting more time which added pressure and so then I never did anything. Ridiculous.

I could feel my “clock” ticking when I was 25. I had already been out of college for a few years and I wasn’t doing what I said I would do – use my degree in journalism. I managed to fix that by getting an entry level job at 26 and have been reporting ever since. That’s all fine and dandy but it’s still not quite where I want to be.

Cover of "Almost Famous"

Cover of Almost Famous

I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but in the back of my head I keep seeing “Almost Famous,” you know that movie about that 15 year old kid who gets to write for “Rolling Stone” magazine and follow an up and coming band? Yeah. That’s what I want. Music and writing is such a perfect combination for me, I think and for a magazine would just be ideal. The problem is that type of work is hard to get into and I’m older now. I’d be up against fresh faced “kids” straight out of college. Sure experience helps but not always, especially when those kids are coming out of college with various Internet skills that still weren’t quite a must when I was in school. I’m behind the eight ball and I feel I’m too old to be behind the eight ball. If I really wanted to move forward I needed to do that years ago, or so it feels like.

This is all contributes to that age complex I’ve spoken of before. I’m too old to be young but I’m too young to be old. I feel like I’m in no man’s land and that’s not a good place to be. This, of course, all ties also into the fact I’m single without kids, while the vast majority of my friends are married and/or having kids, multiple kids. That clock has been ticking loudly since 25 also. I just feel like I’m at do or die time – family or career. I’m too old now to have both, at least in my head I am. That is where it feels like my life is written for me; like I have some control but not nearly enough. I’m not a control freak but I would like to be able to be the driver of my own life.

That’s where this gentleman’s post comes in – I still AM the driver of my own life. I do still make those decisions. That’s the hard part, however. As I already described, I couldn’t even make certain little short-term decisions today, how in the hell am I going to decide what to do with my life? Being indecisive wasn’t something that bothered me for a long time because I thought I managed to make important decisions when I’ve absolutely needed to and have done pretty well. This is true to a point, but I haven’t made the real hard decisions and then stuck with them. I’m motivated but to a point. I’ve been a comfort zone kind of gal and it’s not done me any favors.

But all of that is in the past, or it needs to be. I have to try and refocus my energy and thought process to be “how do I want my life to look like now?” If that’s what I want, how do I go about it? I’ve taken a few of these steps before but have abandoned them but it’s time to get back to it. I’ll be 32 in August but my life isn’t over. Perhaps marriage and kids aren’t in the cards, but that doesn’t mean life can’t be fulfilling. It’s hard to change the just letting life happen to you to taking charge and making life happen. I’ll have to shift from third to fifth gear. That won’t be easy, but if I don’t, life will keep passing me by in the fast lane while I’m sputtering along in the slow lane.

My entire life isn’t written yet… so I need to quit acting like it is and enjoy today. It is a gift you know… that’s why they call it the present.

And on that note… I leave you with Natasha Beddingfield’s “Unwritten” a great tune for sure.

“Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” – Natasha Beddingfield.


6 responses to “My life is unwritten, so why do I feel like it is?

  1. Jen, first off I love ALMOST FAMOus….excellent film.

    Second, I spent a lot of time a few years ago feeling the same things you are expressing and then I realized that a lot of those things in life were attainable but that I had to reorganize my efforts in trying to attain them.

    previously i was trying to reach those goals via traditional ways; ways that had worked for others in the past. but a lot of the old way of doing things has been eliminated unfortunately.

    for instance…..I kept submitting articles (articles I thought were pretty good if I don’t say so myself) to magazines and I kept getting the cold shoulder. Because I didn’t know someone on the inside i might as well be speaking in ancient Greek; they just don’t give a damn unless you are a celebrity or unless you are sleeping with the copyeditor.

    So my blog was step one in trying to find a new approach……

    step two is coming up but I haven’t completely determined what it is.

    Do you read Andrew Sullivan? Dude, his website/blog is earning him more than a million a year and he and his four people get to write about whatever they want to write about………

    maybe step two is me joining a blog venture with a couple others where we work in concert…..i dunno…..but i realize that I have to do things differently if i want to reach my goals 🙂

    • that’s probably actually very true. with all these different venues now, i suppose “traditional” is also being rewritten and that’s okay. thanks for the encouragement! i’m sure i’ll figure it out somehow. 🙂

  2. I think a lot of people go through this in the mid-twenties, quarter life crisis or something. I know I did, now I’m 31 and have only just now landed a job that is anywhere near where I want to be. Who cares, now I’m just kicking back and enjoying the ride, I have goals but I dont have any specific timelines to reach them and I’m more than happy to take random detours. In 100 years I’ll be dead and no-one will even remember my name let alone give two shits if I achieved what I always wanted to at 48 rather than 33 or something.

    • haha yes that is true. im not real sure how or why i became so focused on a timeline and now that im in a deadline oriented field that may not help but i agree. it is silly to put that kind of pressure on oneself and i wasn’t like that but am now. but… im working to not do that because you waste more time by worrying than just doing. 🙂 thanks for commenting and for stopping by!

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