The last few days, hell the last week, has been crazy, busy. Work is all about the schools right now with all the year-end nuttiness that’s happening. This past week I was working a lot with the valedictorians from the high school. Yes there are multiple valedictorians because apparently kids these days try and find ways to up their GPA without really earning it and it would upstage the kids who do deserve it so instead of one valedictorian and one salutatorian, there’s seven valedictorians. It’s been that way for a few years. This is fine but it does mean I get to interview each one and get their picture.
I suppose I should remind you all, for those who don’t know, or maybe I haven’t totally laid it out yet, I’m a reporter for a small weekly publication. I write all day and then come home and write some more – that’s how much I love it. Thank God or I’d burn out. Anyway, every group of valedictorians have always featured some very smart kids and not just because they earned high GPAs. They already grasp certain notions that I just didn’t get at their age. I wasn’t dumb by any stretch but I just hadn’t arrived to those conclusions yet – conclusions about not being afraid, just going out and doing what you want and not worrying about what people think, etc. The majority of comments from this year’s group seemed to really hit me hard. They talked of not procrastinating, just going and doing what it is you want, being fearless, etc. This hit hard because those are things that have always haunted me. I was so introverted in high school. I missed out on many opportunities because I was afraid. I gave up soccer and music for fear. I made a lot of mistakes, mistakes that I keep shaking my head about and wishing like crazy I could undo.
Now, here I am looking down the barrel of 32 and I’m not real sure I’m happy with my life. Well, at least in how I would have defined “happy” at one point. I look around and I’m pretty certain about 95 percent of my friends are married and/or having kids. I’m not the only one not doing that, but it feels like it. I’ve been dealing with this “age complex” since about 25 haha. My clock started ticking then and it hasn’t shut up since. The one good thing about it at 25 was it did force me to start really trying to get into journalism like I wanted and I did it – here I am doing a job I love and using my degree like I promised myself I would. So it’s not all bad, but I did it later than I should have. In my career, I’m not “young” and there’s so much competition. I would love to make the transition to magazine but how to do that now I don’t know. That’s part of why I started this blog – work on my skills, etc., so maybe I could do that. This process could take forever though and all I’m doing in the meantime is aging. A fellow blogger, whom I love to read what he writes, wrote a great post the other day about this. I recommend you check it out: The Culture Monk – Now you see me…now you don’t. He actually has a few related to this. Definitely check out his blog.
Anyway, this round of my “age complex” as I call it, isn’t as bad as it has been in the past. It’s like a rash – it flares up on occasion and then subsides. This has been a milder case. I’m usually much more depressed right about now about getting older haha. While the whole not married, not having kids at my ripe old age does still bother me, I think this time it’s more about those mistakes I made. I keep asking myself how did I NOT know those things when I was those kids’ age. How did I not figure it out like they did? If I had known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t be having this age complex at all. It’s all very vexing. I suppose I should quit watching “Pride and Prejudice” over and over haha.
I don’t know – I suppose I keep secretly hoping my story ends up like Bonnie Raitt’s “Nick of Time.” Something works itself out just at the right moment to save me from me and my total ridiculousness. I suppose I’ll just keep plugging along and try hard not to fret and let things fall into place. I’ll just set some more goals and keep at it as best as I can and pray it really isn’t too late.