I haven’t been sleeping well the last two nights so being up blogging right now probably isn’t a good idea particularly when I need more sleep because the next two days will be brutal at work. I read somewhere that it’s best to be off the Internet and stop watching television about an hour or so before bed because both media stimulate the brain. Logically that makes sense given how both work. The catch is I had a thought as I was winding down, getting ready for bed and I just had to write it down before it left me.
It started with a message to a friend about a post on Facebook. It was an exercise routine she posted for a friend of her’s but it stuck out to me and I wrote it down. That was in January but I finally tried it out tonight. It pretty much kicked my ass but that’s what I need these days. April 1 represented a new month for me, but also yet again, another new start, another attempt to getting back on track. Thus far all the attempts have failed for one excuse or another.
I guess I’ll get to the point. After the workout, I was totally tired but also felt great knowing that I finally did it. I tried it; I worked out on my own even when I really didn’t want to and that’s a huge improvement for me. I messaged my friend on Facebook and as I was cleaning up, I realized in my message to her I caught myself saying something I haven’t ever really said to myself before then – I’ve been unhappy for too long.
I knew things have not been so great for me on the homefront for a while, but always figured I was at least somewhat happy. Perhaps I was content enough to make it through the days, weeks, months, even years to not notice. Having a good laugh with a friend or a string of good, even great days at work can make a person not notice the growing shadow of doubt and unhappiness.
It happens so gradually over time that a person doesn’t realize just how far she’s fallen until it’s to that proverbial fork in the road – you have to make a decision; you’re too far to go back. Too much time has past, too many experiences have been had – forward is the only option but how? Which forward? I can keep on the same path but what has the really done for me? Not too much from what I can see.
Okay so all of that is extremely cliche but cliches become that way for a reason. I had already made the decision to fully pursue a new happiness but I suppose it could still have gone by the wayside until I had written that to my friend. It just struck me so hard and out of the blue; it was shocking, but a good shocking like a hurt so good moment.
I suppose I am my own metaphor. When I lose the 35 pounds or so that I want to lose, I will lose the unhappiness; I’ll lose the grief and sadness I’ve built up over time. I don’t want to carry the burden anymore so as difficult as the weight loss “program” will be, it’ll be well worth it.
In the process, I’ll also accomplish all the other things I want to – more volunteering, blogging, photography, etc. Those are the things I truly want to pursue – those are what make me happy. As Frodo Baggins once said “Remember what Bilbo used to say: It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. you step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”